Thank you to Irvin for his biscuits =D
Thank you too to Rui Shan for the snacks you used to give away C=
Thank you Debby for all your chocolates xD
Thank you Jia Ying for your Toblerones =P
Thank you.. erm, Leong Yew, for the whole packet of chocolate? We thought you were going to -cough- die or something xP
Thank you Shi Ya for your constant supply of sweets =)
Thank you to UMA! for your gummy sweets :D
Thank you to everyone else for their food.
I lied today!! Let all the thank yous make up for it o.O
YES, I CAN make blogskins. I've been doing plenty of stuff like that. Hello? Care to guess which CCA I'm in? Anyways, the reason why I'm using a premade is because
1. The photoshop is located only in one computer, and it takes way too long to load; can't be bothered =.=
2. I've yet to download the necessary fonts and brushes, and I'm indecisive when exposed to the variety.
3. I've not yet checked out Blogger's set of codes, and I don't want to kill my brain just yet.
4. I haven't done coding for quite a while; forgot about divs and stuff. Need to touch up all my 'skills'!
5. NO INSPIRATION!!! Except the Christmas theme.
I have developed an interest for Maths. It is born out of the desperation of failing, and the distraction it provides.
It just wasn't meant to be after all...
Whatever you can do; remember
I can do the same, twice over
^ Now who's feeling lonely?
^ Who's this promising young man?
^ And this stupid fat girl? (stop laughing.)
^ Finally, who's this cute little guy?
An amazing discovery! Debby actually had Indian/Portugese blood o.O
More amazing still, Leong Yew has Thai blood.
And me... I
suppose I'm part Japanese, since my grandfather's surname is really Japanese-ish.
And I'm pretty positive Western blood runs in our family too; quite a number of people mistaken my brother for an Austrailian (o.O?).. and even me, for like half American or something =.=
Their eyes are really.. erm.
Quit lecturing me!! I'm already trying to study harder! Just that, subjects like Chinese... I
really REALLY can't pay attention, and I
really REALLY can't stop myself from feeling drowsy.
I wonder what it'll be like if I had a twin. She'd probably be called Jennifer, or Olivia; these were names my mother considered along with my own. Omg? If I really had a twin, that would be awesome. "Which of us is which?"
The Seeker movie was quite nice. I like fantasy... I know I dream too much.
I'm looking forward to Christmas =D
No everyone, I don't know who LY likes. And no, I don't think he'll tell.
Stop giving me that look, Leong Yew. It's freaky.
Not only him, too. Recently, there are many who gave me different looks. Those who stare, forgiven; maybe I'm just weird and I accept that. Those who glare; why?! Some really give me that... er, ACCUSING look, as if I did something wrong =.= and I don't even know them that well. So I hope these people would be frank. There's no truth I can't accept.
An earth-shaking thing happened today. Person 1, for the first time I remembered, broke down because of Person 2's words. I chided Person 2 after that, because I perfectly understood how Person 1 would feel. I feel bad for telling Person 2 off, but after all, I'm older.
A while later, Person 1
cried. Person 3's emotions was triggered and she cried as well. I wanted to cry, but somehow, the numbness surfaced and I felt nothing. We left them alone for a moment, but afterwards, went to comfort them.
I then told Person 1 I was disappointed in her.
This was because I always thought she was stronger than me.
In a situation like this, advices like, "You have to work harder or you'll never get into JC!!" would make them feel worse.
I am an SI person, an advisor.
I searched my brain for any, erm, natural skills.
Came up with only, "I expect you to stay as strong as you were before."
-sigh-
We all trooped off to West Mall for a little celebration. As usual, we made a fool of ourselves -_-" Hopefully not many noticed. At McDonalds, Person 2 started scheduling a study plan for us.
Thinking of it make me really tired ='(
Then Person 4 started a let-down party, when she let down her hair.
Person 3 followed, and then Person 2.
Since Person 1 has short hair, I was the only one left.
Ouch.
I didn't want to join them 'witches' =P
And I didn't.
Library was the next destination.
I nearly died trying to find a book, thanks to Person 2, who should have known, having done volunteer work before.
And we met Person 4's boyfriend, for a second time.
He was shy, too shy.
I discussed after that with Person 1. We checked back on our sec 2 marks, and decided we should score like that for sec 4. We sorted out which subjects should be A, which subject should be B.
I hope this had helped Person 1.
I can do this if I try.
Or can I?
My whole life, I'm always waiting.
At 5 years old, I waited over half an hour for my mother to fetch me home.
At 7 years old, I got locked out and crying, waited for my someone to return.
At 8-12 years old, I either waited for the bus, or my mother.
At 13 years old, I waited for my lil brother to get ready on a daily basis each morning
At 14 years old, I waited for something that was not going to happen.
At 15 years old, I often waited for a friend in another class, and waited for other friends to finish their business.
All this while, I waited for people, for something good, to come my way.
All this while, neither people, or things, happen to me.
No one special came, no things special happened.
After all that waiting.
At 16 years old, I shall wait by my will, and leave when I want to.
Let's clear this. At this current stage, Leong Yew is a FRIEND. I know many of you mistaken it . How many times I actually heard someone ask me...? I'm getting pretty exhausted trying to explain, so let this stop all the 'accusations'. He is a good friend because he is NICE. Why not you just go and try being his friend?
And the question if I may like him in the future or whatever, he needs to tell me what he needs to tell me before I'll tell him; I'm not evil.. it's fair trade.
I meant to say this for quite a while, but it always slipped.
DON'T STARE AT MY BLOG WITH THAT FACE!!! WIPE IT OFF. I'm perfectly in the right mind, thank you =.=... i think maybe, i AM losing my mind.
I'm currently unstable.
Stay away from me =P Least you get infected with this insanity, I suggest you stay clear.
-sigh-
Been meeting my primary school friends; Eunice, Cai Yan; all grown prettier. We just glance, but never said anything. Awkward.
I want to do Literature ISPL. It's so fun. Poets have many techniques.
Take note of the grammar used, or words that can mean differently all at one time.
Take note of metaphors, similies, etc.
Take note of the title.
Take note of punctuation, why they sometimes put a comma on a line; why do they want us to pause, take note.
Take note of words they left out, or sentences they rearranged.
I'm practically giving away the secrets of Literature. But well, it's okay for you to know; for you to be able to apply, is another thing.
"Prakash" was permanently carved onto the pavement outside my house. How many Prakashes exist in Singapore? I know one, I hope it's not that one o.O
I'm tired of hoping for things that won't happen
Because I KNOW it wouldn't happen anyway, yet I still cling on
Let's just let go, okay? Let go
Let's for once, not follow my heart, but my mind.
I saw part of my childhood today in the bus. I remember him alright.
We used to live in the same condo. He's nice; he always tries to talk to me when we end up in the same bus in primary school. He always opens the side gate and stuff.
It's not like I don't like him or anything. I was just "Uhhh.. what am I supposed to do?" when I was younger. Really withdrawn. I was difficult, huh? I answered with either yes or no.
One word.
When I saw him today, I was like, omg? Is that really him? The last time I met him was like two years ago. He's now... erm... matured?
And it would be wrong to say he's not good-looking =PP
Don't get me wrong =.=
I'm just really impressed how someone can really change.
One thing about him hadn't changed.
He still remembered to say hi.
Lol.
Why is Mrs Ooi our form teacher? Pretty sad. She takes over every assembly period plus CME.
Irvin: I feel deprived of CME.
Bryant: We ARE deprived of it.
Others: No wonder we have no moral values.
Experienced walking home today. Not a good experience at all =.= Thanks to -coughcough- She knows who she is. Oh yes she does o.O
So far so good. My brother's O level, A math and chem, have been easy. I can totally sympathize with those sec 4s waiting in the canteen. Cause it'll be me next =(There are some people I'd really want to get to know
I just hope for them to give me that chance
And I'm just worried that if I try too hard, I'd screw up as usual
If tomorrow, you happen to notice I've grown taller by 3cm or so; don't mind me.
It's THOSE NEW SHOES!!!
I feel like tossing them away or something? xD No idea why.
It's not that bad, actually.
^ I was "dsiagnlsdkfno!!!!!!!!!!" when I saw these; proper words couldn't describe how I felt. Christmas is nearing!!! I won't be in Singapore; is that good? Anywho, I love Christmas =) Ever since young too.
^ Maybe Santa will visit me in the US? =o
New song! Latin; I'm not one to judge.
Recently, I suddenly recall those days. Ahh, I used to be terrible at Maths in primary school too. My teacher used to get really pissed off at me. Yet... I remember clearly, that moment when she handed over that PSLE score sheet.
It was THAT smile, that meant she was speechless.
God bless, that look was PRICELESS. I should have snapped it down.
I still laugh when I think of it.
Oh yes. God helped me a lot in the past.
"Remember how in exams, you sent me the answers when I forgot?
Remember how you sent that dream about the song? I paid no heed, yet, it was the song the examinor chose during the electone examination.
Remember how you sent me the dream of 45, and when I woke up, it was 6.45am? I reached school on time, then.
Remember how my mother couldn't study for her major exams because she volunteered her service to the needy? You helped her then, through the teacher who gave her her friend's paper to copy.
Remember how because of you, I gave over that $4? I never got it back, but then, you taught me never to expect it back.
Remember how because 0f you, I landed in BBSS, and met all these people?"
Don't forget this stupid, ungrateful girl!
To
someone (ahem!): Fair trade again? When is that "yet" going to come? =.= Until I leave school or something?
Recently, I told my family about my marks and points (don't worry, they're worse than you think =))
My mother seemed undaunted. She was telling me if I go on like this, she'd send me overseas, which is something I'd like. She was barely paying attention. She was more focused on her face. It's like... she's putting trust in me that I'd do better.
My father lectured me, as usual, but while counting money. Again, I felt expectation weighing down on me. He wants me to do better, and it's like he knows I'll do better, and that's......
My brother was the only one who listened to me without doing something else. He seemed shocked; not surprising, since his marks are fantastic. He chided me. I don't know whether to feel grateful, or annoyed. He's a nice brother who helps me with Maths and stuff (though they don't get any better). But he's only two years older, so I'd naturally be indignant when he gave me a lecture.
My little brother was simply: "Woah." He doesn't understand the life of a sec 3, anyway.
I've long stopped brooding. But unfortunately, I couldn't find the bright side to look at. So I'm just stuck in
grey, stranded between black and
white.
People don't understand.
They say, "She's just tired."
Why are they always like that?
Can't they stop looking across the surface,
And into the depths?
When I say, "I'm fine."
No one asked me, "Tell me the truth."
No one did, no one will
With due respect, leave me alone.
I wasn't exactly in the right of mind, Leong Yew, so you might want to pretend I never said that =/
I have no idea what's come over me. Suddenly, I just wanted to take 985 to school. Walked a great deal. Switched with Shi Ya; she took 77A today o.O
Physics was.....; I tried, but I tried too hard ='(
I wonder if I should say Lit is fun, and/or boring at the same time. The movie Ms. Chandran brought was really laggy, so the guys just took over the laptop and invaded YouTube.
They ran out of funny clips.
Thus... we ended up doing
Jackology, again =.=
To not hurt poor Jack's feelings, they turned to doing
Alanology.
There and then, people started shouting why he wouldn't make a good boyfriend.
And plus all the negative points...
And after, we headed on to
Irvinology, Kennethology, and finally
Elliotology.Like I said, I don't know what's come over me, and I took 985 home as well, in the rain.
All this is thanks to the only MA RUO NAN, who wanted to buy a CAKE! from somewhere near the 985 bus stop.
And guess what?
She didn't find the cake.
RAWR.
So then, I got caught in the rain. Not that I don't like rain, I love rain, but being caught in it in a freaking Tuesday is not my cup of tea.
^ Look at the extra mile I have to run to get home. Wheeee. Plus the danger of slipping and/or getting flattened by a bus on the way.
^ The Yours Truly, who decided to eat ice-cream after that in the cold -_-"
I don't want to wait too long for something that's not gonna happen...
See?
My previous post can make people laugh.
Wherever I go, people ask how well I do.
What am I supposed to say?
"Erm, considering I failed both maths, failed chem, and very possibly phy, meaning all maths and sciences, and that I failed my english compre, failed my chinese compos, nearly failed SS;...
YEAH, I THINK I DID VERY WELL INDEED."
"Are you proud?"
"Oh yes!! See, my points as of now can't even get me to a polytechnice, but that's OKAY! I'm going to run away from Singapore anyways!! It doesn't matter. Michelle Darmawan will cease to exist in Singapore. Yeah, no one will have to face the torture of remembering such a girl existed before. I'm
SO SO SO SO PROUD of myself!! I've succeded as a failure!"
When I see people fail maths, I tell them don't give up. Everyone will go through failures at least once, so yeah, be grateful for the fact that we're not doing well this time and not in the O levels. It's the same thing with PSLE.
And I know I'm the sort who tries to brighten up people's days even though I can't even brighten up my own.
-end emo session-
=D Talk about happier stuff now... I'm going to Plaza Singapura NOOOOOWWWWW to watch The Nanny Diaries!
8 little subjects mocking an agonized girl
Hey! You know what? I've got a brilliant idea.
I should drop A maths and forget about trigo
It's not a sin, nor is my surname tan
Cos I don't give a damn about triangles
1 got proven off, and then there was 7
7 little subjects taunting a depressed girl
Hmm, no no, it doesn't seem right
To forget only additional mathematics
Since it's both mathematics, same torture
I should also drop mathematics! Don't you agree?!
1 got squared off, and then there was 6
6 little subjects sneering at a pathetic girl
This won't do! No, it won't!
If I forget Maths, I'll forget calculations!
I won't know where's my centre of gravity
So let's drop Physics before I drop myself
1 fell over the plank and then there was 5
5 little subjects jeering at a tired girl
An element's mole needs physics too, and maths
It needs to know its own molecular mass
Stand at the correct angle while burning chemicals!
No! It'll explode, so first explode Chemistry!
1 got titrated off and then there was 4
4 little subjects laughing at a moody girl
No worries, language can support me
Oh no! I nearly forgot! Chinese characters leap around
I can't catch any, they are too animated
Come on! I only want to be my own character
1 had the wrong character and then there was 3
3 little subjects provoking a sad girl
Who wants to learn about Singapore
When they are planning to run away anyway?
Socializing involves only saying hi, yo, how are you, bye
History will be no more
Advanced relationships allow no war
I tell you, I should just make myself history
What fun is this, what fun is that?
1 became socially history, and then there was 2
2 little subjects running down a blank girl
I can survive alone with English
It's fine, oh so fine!
But hey, isn't Literature all about English
So why separate? The more the merrier!
1 merged with the other, and then there was 1
1 little subject meekly glaring at a happy girl
English Literature! Indeed, it's great!
I can analyze analyze to no end
Reading, writing, I'll go to the US
But what about when I go to Korea?!
The last one wasn't efficient enough
So then there was none
I'll just become a web designer! And design my own web,
Saying "Who needs studying??" and play all I want
And then I'll get sued when I won't take it down
Jail? No way! I'll get my stuff and leave for good.
No more little subjects, they are not needed
Sadly, now, there is no more girl.
No more girl, no more girl!!
You don't need to be a lit student to know I didn't have a good day.
The teachers are ruthless; they really want to break our bliss all in one day.
Although I don't appear so, I did really badly for my SA2. I asked about dropping A Math, if it's a must if I fail. Mdm Yeo then told me, "What's the point of clinging on to something you can't do well in?"
She's right, I suppose. There are some things that I really cling too much on. Blame it on my personality, but that's how I am. Maybe I should let go.
I should let go of stuff, and I'll be a happier girl.
I was actually wondering to myself; how come I wasn't upset when I got my marks?
Being exposed to many negativities;
Have I turned numb already?
English was really RAWR. It was a blow to me, seeing how I failed my comprehension
badly when I never used to score that low. I passed overall, but it somehow shattered me.
Just like Social Studies, it didn't quite meet my expectations.
Naturally, I'll be disheartened.
Even for Literature, I had hoped for higher ='(
I really don't know how I feel towards Lit. There are times when I get a question from poetry/prose/text and I really really don't feel like answering it.
Lit is tedious.
But I love it because of how it gives me analytical skills.
I liked how the lecturer from last time told us how Lit people are a level above others because they know how to see and feel things from different perspectives.
We tend to understand how others feel.
I enjoy analyzing poems.
In SA1, Mrs Tan announced I did very well in my unseen poem.
There was satisfaction.
Yet... it's so unpredictable. At times, I might end up doing badly.
In Lit, it's either make it or break it.
And it's scary in that sense.
Afterwards, Jia Ying told me she wasn't going to frown anymore. She was going to smile.
She reminded me that I was supposed to use smiling as my mask.
I scuttled into the toilet.
My emo moment xDD
And when I came out, I told myself, I won't appear down anymore.
I'll act like everything's alright.
I think I succeeded.
Huh.
Or maybe I really did turn numb to everything.
Sometimes I just want to leave Singapore.
Until then...
There's still tomorrow.
There's still Physics marks and Chemistry marks waiting for me.
Waiting to laugh at my despondency.
;_; How long more until this ends?
^ Shall I say, the instructions were really crappy?
In the end, I did it without much of their help. Sheesh.
Folding stars; a prayer for what?
I'm suffering from what they say, post-exam boredom.
I'm going to retreat to my room and fold more stars.
-sigh-
The hardest part about running away from people is knowing they wouldn't chase...
People are getting freaked out over tomorrow's post-exam activity o.O
Shall I mention names?
Maybe not -.-
It's gonna be fun at Vivo City...
But after that... RESULTS!
I'm not in a hurry to get them ='(
And then, I start to think about december ISPL. I'm leaving for U.S.A at 21st December, but my parents are thinking of leaving at around 15th to travel on their own first before the tour. My mother told me, "Just finish off your work in November."
How can I rush?! I'm goint to do Independent
Self-Paced Learning!! If I try too hard, I'll forget everything.
ROAR.
I feel like going to U.S and
STAYING THERE. After all, I have cousins that are already studying there.
I can live with them.
My brother, too, plans to migrate.
No loss for him; he can escape National Service =_="
My loss: People close to me, home, security etc.
My gain: New life, new relationships, new environment, eye-openers etc.
My loss + my gain = nothing
Or maybe I'll earn enough money to buy over that villa at the mountain in Indonesia from my relative.
Even as an innocent child, I've always viewed that as 'haven', 'living paradise'.
I've always thought there was a sad and mysterious aura around that place.
I'll move there.
And I'll live by myself.
Eh,
no way.
I
hate loneliness.
^ Ouch.
Cursed scotchtape thingy. Thankfully, only the dried blood at the bottom can be seen.
You wouldn't want to see how it punctured my skin, forming holes levelling deeper at an angle of about 10 or 15 degrees.
And you wouldn't want to see how the shredded skin dangled.
This was taken while I was waiting for my organ lessons to start.
I sound gruesome.
OUCH.
At least it didn't hurt too much when I played my songs...
It hurt more when I picked up a book or something.
I remember before physics... I tripped and fell on my elbow on the table. 44kg plus gravity plus height plus speed; as I gritted my teeth and withstand the pain, I thought to myself.
"If I broke my arm, I wouldn't have to sit for the physics paper."
"But what if I can still go to school... it's my left arm after all... well, I guess I'll have to bring the physics book to the hospital."
I didn't break my arm, obviously. It's just sore after that fall, and there's probably a slight bruise.
This reminds me of Khadeza. The morning of the chemistry paper, she looked across the road. And she thought, "If I get knocked down by the bus now, I don't have to sit for Chemistry."
And on the morning of A maths paper, when I punched the wall in frustation, I thought.
"Luckily I'm using my right hand. If my fist bleed, I can't write. Hey, no A maths!"
MOE.. are you seeing this? This is what you do to secondary
school students!! Rawr.
"A Thousand Years of Snow"Somehow, this manga draws me in.
Inspired by an email I received long time ago... I'd say;
It is tragic to love someone who doesn't love you back
It is more tragic to love someone and never find the courage to confess
It is the most tragic to love someone who returns your feelings, but never know it becaues neither have the courage to confess
It is hard to let go of someone who broke your heart
It is harder still to let go of someone who no longer love you
But the hardest thing is to let go of someone you never had before
Exams: END!
The End of Year SA2 secondary three express Examination is officially
OVER!!! Let's look back on the progress of the dreaded exams this past few days, shall we? xD
Will be posting loads of pictures on the way =) I take photos when I'm bored. This is going to be the longest and boringest post ever.
^ First step: Get motivation. Trust me; it did not work -_-" I pinned it up next to my PSLE thingy, and I felt nothing. The bright orangeness did no good.
First Day: English Paper 1
It wasn't too bad, since I get to write tragic stories again!
Overall Rating: GOOD
^ I was seriously getting pissed off with this moments question. Why does a girl stand in a plank suspended from somewhere high anyway??
Second Day: Chinese Paper 1 & 2
I flunked it. Simple and sweet, I flunked the essay writings.
Overall Rating: BAD
Third Day: English Paper 2 + Social Studies
Never saw such a difficult english compre passage ._.
SS... haizz... because I couldn't be bothered to pay attention when Ms. Lao was teaching the last topic, deterrence and whatsits, I had extra work to do.
Dragged myself out of bed at about 3.30am in the morning to remember the deterrence and diplomacy topic.
I understood, but I couldn't remember.
I had to wash my face approximately 6 times or so to keep myself awake. And I still feel asleep o.O
Woke up again though, before five. And panicked.
In the end, I didn't even pick the deterrence question! Instead, I picked the conflicts one.
Since I myself am a Catholic, I found no problem answering that.
Which means I am rightfully supposed to dislike the Protestants/Christians?
._.
Overall Rating: OKAY
^ The true side of an S Personality person. Organized but disorganized.
Fourth Day: Maths + Elective History
Was even harder pulling myself away from the bed in the morning.
I knew Nazi Germany like the back of my hand. I even sympathized with Hitler; so I had no trouble revising History =D
I was so afraid of Math that I wrote the sine and cosine rule wherever and whenever I could.
Overall Rating: OKAY
^ Hail, Hitler.
Fifth Day: Physics + Pure Literature
The dreaded day, Physics. That day, everywhere I go, I test myself with physics theory. When I see a form of balance, I test myself moments. At equilibrium, CW=CCW. When I see the fridge, I remember heat capacity. I see an object fall, I remember gravity.
I was going crazy.
Again, the same schedule. Wake up at 3 am, study. Again, it was difficult. This time, I even had to adopt Ruo Nan's method of doing sit-ups and push-ups to stay awake.
The physics paper? No comment. I just did what I could, and I hope it's enough
^ To: Michelle Darmawan. From: Laws of Physics. Type: Info.
Pure Lit was =D The poem was interesting, and many found they could relate to this tragedy.
^ Pablo Neruda: Tonight I Can Write
Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
Write, for example, "The night is shattered.
And the blue stars shiver in the distance."
The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.
Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.
I thought it was really sad, the way he was in denial. First, he said: "I no longer love her, that's certain, but how I loved her." And as the poem goes along, he finally said: "I no longer love her, that's certain, but maybe I love her."
Actually ended up debating with Debby at how I commented he was a helpless failure.
An unintentional failure who captured others' hearts.
Overall Rating: NOT BAD
^ The list of I-don't-understand-this-and-that.
Sixth Day: A Maths + Pure Literature
The cursed day. I wanted to follow my original schedule, but I don't know why, I was just too tired. And I couldn't wake up. Curses. When I woke up at 5, I flew into instant panic. In the end, as predicted, the exam went HORRIBLY. This is like, a doomed failure. No doubt... Sank into depression after that exam.
I was beginning to understand why teachers said Pure Lit in JC and O' levels is hard. Saw the Off-centre question. They asked, "Explain the reasons for the perplexing friendship between Vinod and Saloma that, although having experienced some changes in dynamics in the play, is never fully resolved to full acceptance between both parties."
My reaction: o.O............
Overall Rating: BAD
^ Two in love, one envious party. Why can't they test us on this Off-Centre cover page; ask us why it reflects a feeling of loneliness.
Final Day: Chemistry
Once again, the good old timetable. Sleep in the afternoon, study till 12, sleep till 3, wake up and study again. The exam itself... I left practically the balanced equations and ionic equations BLANK. MCQ wasn't too bad.
After the exam, everyone not in bio started cheering.
I couldn't surpress the urge to cheer as well.
IT'S OVER!!!
Felt kinda bad for the bio students though =P
Overall Rating: OKAY
^ Never knew you could actually make a road out of a freaking e math graph.
I'm positive if this exam had gone on for another week, I'd have been diagnosed with a case of serious depression.
Thank You God.
Thank You Myself.
^ And thank you, alarm clock, for waking me up every morning.
