I'm not even going to talk to you personally about this now, I'm under a rather big stress right now. It's week 8, I've got 12-page essays and more to hand in by week 9, individual presentation at week 10, group projects and presentations by week 11 and week 12, an organ exam most people fail at week 11, and finals at the final week. I hate how I procrastinate and am trying to change my bad habits and deal with all the workload all at once.
I already screwed up my mid terms and am lagging.
I know it was a mistake to even reply his message, and definitely a mistake to agree to go out with him. It was a mistake to listen to your suggestion not to eliminate him as an option. Thanks for the advice, I won't take it again.
I don't even know how to defend myself anymore. Maybe I'll just accept it, huh? Yep, I was a fucking heartless bitch for replying his messages and agreeing to go out with him and not being able to realize that he was that crazy over me. Which, by the way, isn't even justified because he has known me for less than a week, and half of what he knows is form messaging. Right from day two of knowing him, he already started showing concern and soon started to talk about how he wants to spend time with me. You want my honest opinion? He doesn't like me because of me. He likes me because I'm a girl. He likes me because he has imposed an ideal girl on me. He likes me because he likes the idea of liking someone. That is not me. He scares me because he likes me without knowing me at all. He scares me, he makes me feel burdened all the time because of the expectations his words always hold, and yes I shouldn't have gone out with him, because halfway through the date I realized how wrong it was that he expects so much when he barely knows me.
Call it a misjudgement on my part then, that I couldn't have analyzed his character better in one week.
I don't think it's very nice for you to have lashed out against me, considering you treat me as a close friend, for a guy who definitely doesn't like me as much as he seems to.
Sure, a lot of things you have said to me in the past were true. I appreciate that you have been opening my eyes to a lot of things.
But not this time, I don't think so.
And I definitely did not need you bringing up my previous relationships. They are still a rather sensitive matter to me, and it was pretty mean that you used it as a weapon to prove your point. I am still living in the shadows of my relationship with G, if you haven't realized. I still see it as entirely my fault that I lost the feelings, no matter how other friends have told me I can't control my feelings. I know G thinks I'm heartless, and maybe so do you. I really wished you could've seen how there was no way out, though. How did you expect me to retain my feelings when they were fading away? Force it to come back? Did you expect me to stay with him because it's a commitment? Then that would make it a 100% obligation with 0% willingness, and that's unfair to him as well. And when I left, you say it as if I totally screwed up.
I still feel guilty, I still feel the waste, I still feel sad, but I can't do anything about it, but you don't even see that.
With Z, I admit I was impulsive. I hadn't gotten over the trauma of the previous relationship and I threw myself recklessly into commitment, and with a guy so unpredictable too. So fine, I'll leave it at that. You win.
You bringing up my previous relationships... that really did hurt. It just reminded me all over again why I am so fail at relationships, why I shouldn't have one, why I should not go out with guys, why I should never tell the guy I like how I really feel, why I should just freaking stay single. Thanks for that. It only made me more determined to avoid relationships at all costs.
I hope you won't feel injustified towards anyone anymore then.
posted by Michelle @ 10:26 PM
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