When I see you, I still feel little flutters and I still feel too self-conscious. Much more than it should be.
When I know you wouldn't be with us, some part of me still feels disappointed.
I hardly ever think of you anymore, but sometimes when I do meet you, what you do can change my day much more than I am willing to accept.
Sometimes, I regret acting rather impulsively and pushing you away.
But there was no way I could have tried to be selfish and keep you either.
Things have changed so much and I admit, I do miss us. How we used to be close, how we used to hang out, how I made it so obvious that I was into you, and you never resisted any of those clues, instead behaving like you liked the idea too.
I guess that's all in the past now.
I am so disappointed in myself recently. It always feels like I have so much to improve on. My grades, fencing, everything. They are so... average. Maybe I expect too much of myself.
Yes, I did win individual silver and team gold for FM open. But when I watch videos of myself fence, I feel so embarrassed. Like I'm not good enough. Like I don't deserve it.
So much to improve on.
I guess what's left to do now, is to pick up enough strength to work on it.
Efforts never seem to pay off sometimes, huh.
Sucks to think that you might have tried so hard only to get nothing in return, while others played by luck and got their results.
Especially sucky when you realize that minimal amount in which they beat you by, could make such a fucking huge difference that you feel the need to... just give up.
Not knowing where you went wrong. Never going to know. Because it's over and it's independent on its own, there will hardly be anything else like that experience in which you can apply what you should have learned from mistakes.
And it pretty much sucks when you realize you have no idea what you are supposed to learn.
Except maybe accepting that, you just can't be as good as some people. No matter how you try.
And it gets even better, you realize that you didn't just screw up some part of your life, you have also screwed up someone's expectations and hopes of you. And the reality hits you that there is no way you can ever reverse this or ever redeem yourself because you will never be involved with that other party again. This was your only chance to prove that their regard of you was not misplaced, but you fucked it up, and it will always remain like that for as long as either of you remember.
That fucking burns.
