When you gave me the gift today, do you know what was going through my head? It wasn't just the surprise or shock, but also the heavy realization that maybe I didn't view this as seriously as I was supposed to. I mean I had an idea that you were interested, perhaps, from all the comments from our mutual friend and how nicely you have been treating me. But when I looked at what you gave me, I realized just how much thought you put into putting the gift together so nicely. That box held so much thoughtfulness, concern and effort, it made me almost appalled at how I could have missed the extent of your seriousness.
You were way way more serious than I had predicted, and to be honest, more than anything else, that scares me.
You are such a nice guy, even after knowing you for such a short time, you remember what I like and dislike, what I've said and done, and you showed that you did through what you gave me today.
I'm not some expert at reading emotions.
But perhaps like anyone else, I tend to be a lot more sensitive in trying to pick out a person's emotions when I bear my own set of emotions towards the said person. It only makes one a lot more attentive.
So maybe it is not that you did not display your emotions, or that you are just a naturally nice guy and have done all that without serious feelings, but rather because I was not sensitive enough to notice.
It scares me to think that way, that I didn't notice because my eyes and heart were elsewhere.
Eventually we would need to talk about this. I know one day I will pull you out to talk to you, to tell you I'm not ready, that I won't be ready any time soon.
I do want to fall for you. It would be such a blessing if I do so, because you are such an amazing guy.
But the fact remains that, I haven't, and I'm not falling for you right now.
I don't know if I will, but until then, my decision would be to seek you out to let you know.. that I'm not worth it.
Give me a bit of time to digest, for us to finish our final examinations first, before we talk.
You need to know, I tend to run when I see real, serious emotions, especially if they are not mutual on my part.
You need to know, that I feel burdened whenever any guy speaks of love, of forever, of waiting... because I'm not capable of returning the same.
Can you one day change my mind?
The fact is that you are different from the rest, I felt like there could be something special, but all of my instincts are telling me I don't like you enough, and I'm not ready.
So despite me enjoying your company and friendship, I still would have to say it.
I'm sorry.
posted by Michelle @ 2:17 AM
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