When I see you, I still feel little flutters and I still feel too self-conscious. Much more than it should be.
When I know you wouldn't be with us, some part of me still feels disappointed.
I hardly ever think of you anymore, but sometimes when I do meet you, what you do can change my day much more than I am willing to accept.
Sometimes, I regret acting rather impulsively and pushing you away.
But there was no way I could have tried to be selfish and keep you either.
Things have changed so much and I admit, I do miss us. How we used to be close, how we used to hang out, how I made it so obvious that I was into you, and you never resisted any of those clues, instead behaving like you liked the idea too.
I guess that's all in the past now.
I am so disappointed in myself recently. It always feels like I have so much to improve on. My grades, fencing, everything. They are so... average. Maybe I expect too much of myself.
Yes, I did win individual silver and team gold for FM open. But when I watch videos of myself fence, I feel so embarrassed. Like I'm not good enough. Like I don't deserve it.
So much to improve on.
I guess what's left to do now, is to pick up enough strength to work on it.
Efforts never seem to pay off sometimes, huh.
Sucks to think that you might have tried so hard only to get nothing in return, while others played by luck and got their results.
Especially sucky when you realize that minimal amount in which they beat you by, could make such a fucking huge difference that you feel the need to... just give up.
Not knowing where you went wrong. Never going to know. Because it's over and it's independent on its own, there will hardly be anything else like that experience in which you can apply what you should have learned from mistakes.
And it pretty much sucks when you realize you have no idea what you are supposed to learn.
Except maybe accepting that, you just can't be as good as some people. No matter how you try.
And it gets even better, you realize that you didn't just screw up some part of your life, you have also screwed up someone's expectations and hopes of you. And the reality hits you that there is no way you can ever reverse this or ever redeem yourself because you will never be involved with that other party again. This was your only chance to prove that their regard of you was not misplaced, but you fucked it up, and it will always remain like that for as long as either of you remember.
That fucking burns.
You are being way too nice to me, you know?
When you gave me the gift today, do you know what was going through my head? It wasn't just the surprise or shock, but also the heavy realization that maybe I didn't view this as seriously as I was supposed to. I mean I had an idea that you were interested, perhaps, from all the comments from our mutual friend and how nicely you have been treating me. But when I looked at what you gave me, I realized just how much thought you put into putting the gift together so nicely. That box held so much thoughtfulness, concern and effort, it made me almost appalled at how I could have missed the extent of your seriousness.
You were way way more serious than I had predicted, and to be honest, more than anything else, that scares me.
You are such a nice guy, even after knowing you for such a short time, you remember what I like and dislike, what I've said and done, and you showed that you did through what you gave me today.
I'm not some expert at reading emotions.
But perhaps like anyone else, I tend to be a lot more sensitive in trying to pick out a person's emotions when I bear my own set of emotions towards the said person. It only makes one a lot more attentive.
So maybe it is not that you did not display your emotions, or that you are just a naturally nice guy and have done all that without serious feelings, but rather because I was not sensitive enough to notice.
It scares me to think that way, that I didn't notice because my eyes and heart were elsewhere.
Eventually we would need to talk about this. I know one day I will pull you out to talk to you, to tell you I'm not ready, that I won't be ready any time soon.
I do want to fall for you. It would be such a blessing if I do so, because you are such an amazing guy.
But the fact remains that, I haven't, and I'm not falling for you right now.
I don't know if I will, but until then, my decision would be to seek you out to let you know.. that I'm not worth it.
Give me a bit of time to digest, for us to finish our final examinations first, before we talk.
You need to know, I tend to run when I see real, serious emotions, especially if they are not mutual on my part.
You need to know, that I feel burdened whenever any guy speaks of love, of forever, of waiting... because I'm not capable of returning the same.
Can you one day change my mind?
The fact is that you are different from the rest, I felt like there could be something special, but all of my instincts are telling me I don't like you enough, and I'm not ready.
So despite me enjoying your company and friendship, I still would have to say it.
I'm sorry.
I haven't needed so much strength in such a long time. With pressure bearing down on me from all sides, it's so hard to complete everything despite staying focused all the way. So many things to do, and all have equal priority... Three presentations next week, none of which are prepared for, reports to be handed in, essays that aren't done, and organ exam which I'm seriously hardly prepared for... until this week is over, I need to stay as strong and as focused as I can.
Hwaiting!
When I heard that news that you found a new girlfriend, I couldn't really stop the sinking feeling. And I don't know why. I have claimed so confidently some time back that I definitely do not like you anymore, and I even made sure to let you know that I no longer like anyone, knowing that you probably already know I'm referring to you.
All this time, you probably knew. I have been trying to let you know without actually saying it out. Because when the words are out, a few things can happen, and none of them are what I would want. When the words are out, I can't get out of it anymore. I didn't want to change our friendship because I liked where we are then.
Yet I wanted you to know.
Thus began the weird crazy conversations where I dropped unlimited hints to make sure you know. And you probably did.
And I noticed that you've been paying me more attention because of that, until the point i told you I no longer liked anyone.
Recently you just became more distant, and this news I heard only explained that perfectly.
What I am more disappointed in is that you don't even bother telling me, and I don't think you ever will unless I ask. It really does sadden me. We used to be close friends, I liked the idea of us staying as close friends for a long time to come. Apparently not.
I really don't know why you wouldn't tell me and just chose to distance yourself. I know it's not just because you don't want to talk to other girls while having a girlfriend because I heard this news from a girl.
Now I know, I want to ask you for confirmation, but I don't want to hear the answer.
More than the fact that you're with someone else, it's the fact that we're no longer the close friends we used to be. I wonder if you knew how much I treasured this friendship, because apparently you don't.
I guess things between us will always be this unspoken.
Maybe that's for the best.
I'm sorry, not for the previous blog post, but for not talking to you directly about it.
Our friendship has been through too much, for me to give it up over something stupid like this.
So I won't.
Still love you, just short-fused -___- sheesh, uni.
I don't need one of my best friends to tell me what I already know.
I'm not even going to talk to you personally about this now, I'm under a rather big stress right now. It's week 8, I've got 12-page essays and more to hand in by week 9, individual presentation at week 10, group projects and presentations by week 11 and week 12, an organ exam most people fail at week 11, and finals at the final week. I hate how I procrastinate and am trying to change my bad habits and deal with all the workload all at once.
I already screwed up my mid terms and am lagging.
I know it was a mistake to even reply his message, and definitely a mistake to agree to go out with him. It was a mistake to listen to your suggestion not to eliminate him as an option. Thanks for the advice, I won't take it again.
I don't even know how to defend myself anymore. Maybe I'll just accept it, huh? Yep, I was a fucking heartless bitch for replying his messages and agreeing to go out with him and not being able to realize that he was that crazy over me. Which, by the way, isn't even justified because he has known me for less than a week, and half of what he knows is form messaging. Right from day two of knowing him, he already started showing concern and soon started to talk about how he wants to spend time with me. You want my honest opinion? He doesn't like me because of me. He likes me because I'm a girl. He likes me because he has imposed an ideal girl on me. He likes me because he likes the idea of liking someone. That is not me. He scares me because he likes me without knowing me at all. He scares me, he makes me feel burdened all the time because of the expectations his words always hold, and yes I shouldn't have gone out with him, because halfway through the date I realized how wrong it was that he expects so much when he barely knows me.
Call it a misjudgement on my part then, that I couldn't have analyzed his character better in one week.
I don't think it's very nice for you to have lashed out against me, considering you treat me as a close friend, for a guy who definitely doesn't like me as much as he seems to.
Sure, a lot of things you have said to me in the past were true. I appreciate that you have been opening my eyes to a lot of things.
But not this time, I don't think so.
And I definitely did not need you bringing up my previous relationships. They are still a rather sensitive matter to me, and it was pretty mean that you used it as a weapon to prove your point. I am still living in the shadows of my relationship with G, if you haven't realized. I still see it as entirely my fault that I lost the feelings, no matter how other friends have told me I can't control my feelings. I know G thinks I'm heartless, and maybe so do you. I really wished you could've seen how there was no way out, though. How did you expect me to retain my feelings when they were fading away? Force it to come back? Did you expect me to stay with him because it's a commitment? Then that would make it a 100% obligation with 0% willingness, and that's unfair to him as well. And when I left, you say it as if I totally screwed up.
I still feel guilty, I still feel the waste, I still feel sad, but I can't do anything about it, but you don't even see that.
With Z, I admit I was impulsive. I hadn't gotten over the trauma of the previous relationship and I threw myself recklessly into commitment, and with a guy so unpredictable too. So fine, I'll leave it at that. You win.
You bringing up my previous relationships... that really did hurt. It just reminded me all over again why I am so fail at relationships, why I shouldn't have one, why I should not go out with guys, why I should never tell the guy I like how I really feel, why I should just freaking stay single. Thanks for that. It only made me more determined to avoid relationships at all costs.
I hope you won't feel injustified towards anyone anymore then.
Life @ SMU thus far...
So, I'm mid-way into my fourth week in university. I don't think anyone reads this blog anymore but who cares, I wanna keep it as a memory of my own life!
First of all, the workload is crazyyyyy, no doubt. Already I have a headache trying to keep track of all the things I need to do. Come to think of it, I should list all of them for personal reference too.
Financial Accunting:
I have a test + a presentation + homework + deadline of online class discussion (class participation marks..) on Friday.
Stats:
a lot of exercises piling up.
Technology & World Change: lots of readings + weekly blog updates + individual report outline + individual presentation topic to think of + group meetings for project
Business, Government & Society:
a group project consultation meeting tomorrow + lots of readings for both notes and textbook + upcoming test on week 6
Thank goodness I have almost nothing for Analytical Skills. Except the fact that our project assignments will be given up tomorrow.
Four weeks into uni and.. phew.
Definitely not your typical JC life. But I'm getting used to it, I believe. I still procrastinate a lot (hey what's new...) but I do realize how much I have to do.
Sigh. Okay finally time to convert to a SMUgger starting tomorrow, lol.
School work aside... let's take a look into the other aspects of uni life.
Friends.
Most of the time there would be different people for every class, no friends will probably have more than two of the same classes as me. Which is actually not as bad as it sounds, because I do make friends at every class. Not very close friends, but good enough. Some classes are better (FA peeps always eat lunch tgt after that ^^ and my BGS proj mates are awesome funny people), some are.. meh. If you're really lucky, you meet a friend you can get along with right away (I went out for lunch with a friend I met on the third day of school, which is pretty much an achievement to me. HAHA. A pity I withdrew from that class immediately after that.)
So I do make friends. But I admit the closest of my friends are those from Fencing, close in the sense that I've studied with them, gone supper with them several times, and even watched a movie once. That kinda close. Which is jjang :)
So definitely my take is, if you want close friends, join a freaking CCA! Haha! It's partly the reason why I wanted more than one CCA but now I realize that I probably won't have time to commit to more than one ._.
I guess the thing about SMU (or most unis for that matter), is that you'll probably have a LOT of acquaintances, a lot meaning you can't get away a day without bumping into a few people you know. But not so much of 'close friends'.
FOOD.
The food in SMU is expensive. I mean of course right? Haha.
The food is.. normal I guess. Normal things you'll find everywhere, nothing special. But it's good that it's located near town... POPEYES! <3
CAMPUS.
A lot of people complain that SMU has a very corporate environment. I used to think I'd feel dull studying in such a campus. Turns out.. totally not. Surprisingly it has a good effect on me. It actually makes me feel more.. hardworking? Idk. It's like the feel of the school, haha. SMU always gives me some sort of intellectual aura or something that makes me want to study, or maybe it's just the culture. -shrugs-
Talking about the culture, it's a lot like CJ actually. Most people are outgoing and will want to talk to you. Class participation aspect can be scary in some classes, but so far it's not so bad. I've done it once or twice, will participate more in the future as much as I can.
Fashion..?
Right, so there is always this stereotype that SMU people are very well dressed. I won't deny that there are a large number of people who come to school looking like they just left the runway (or on their way there), or looking like they're gonna go clubbing afterwards, or that they are in town (technically speaking they are). But there are also equally many people that dress more down-to-earth, simple, casual, slack. Haha.
I think I've gone from town-ish to casual/slack in like three days. Tired of thinking what to wear haha.
But really it shouldn't pressurize you so much. Just wear whatever you think you will look decent enough in, even if it's a simple tee and shorts.
This post is not complete but I'm sleepy and I have lessons tomorrow. Shall edit another time.
